I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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