I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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