So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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