I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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