I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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