i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
