My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
