Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
All the doctor said was why
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
