I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
