I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
