Just fell off a train. Bad.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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