2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
