I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
two words...techno handjob
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
