oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
