I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
