just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
