Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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