watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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