i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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