Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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