the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
