I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
