i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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