The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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