I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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