i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
