the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
