mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
