Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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