It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You need a sexual gate keeper
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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