well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
