It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my phone needs a breathalizer
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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