Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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