sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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