I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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