I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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