I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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