last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
it's like iHOP with fire
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
