i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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