he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
did i walk over a car last night?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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