The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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