a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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