i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
