Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
