I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
