Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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