How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
