the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
