My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
