I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
