Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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