Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
