Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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